The Stinky Co-worker Cronicles…or rather cronic odor

8 Dec

The rat hatSo I have this co-worker, hes a “beautiful man.” We live in a po-dunk town. (guy on left)

In his mid-fifties, he already looks like death, his face deeply drawn from years of chain-smoking in his obsessive ADD state.

This man spills coffe everywhere and we have a small army of tiny ants living onder the file cabinet where he eats. At times they focus on carrying whatever half chewed and delectable chunk of eggsalad that had fallen out of his gaping mouth to the other side of the room in a giant moving black hoard.

He cuts his own hair, resulting in a mental patient doo, beautiful. but luckily its getting cold so instead hes resulted to wearing his “rat hat,” something you’d see john candy wear. (see above)

He once was playing target practice with his shotgun while sitting in a lawn chair in the snow with nothing but boxers and the “rat hat” on. He was drunk as hell and the boyscout troop was over. He had a white fluffy dog that blended with the snow, long story short he accidentally shot it. Never told his wife, put it in a bag and dumped it in a nearby river and told the fam he had run away. Two weeks later, the dog comes back, its coat still stained with blood. Neighbor says it had been shot and the wife goes nuts and calls the local paper, warning everyone thers a dog shooter out there…

Ha Ha

when he sneezes, a bomb goes off and he shoots back in his chair, spraying infestation all over the room. Worst yet he constantly makes a sort of grunting weezing noise and can’t recognize its coming from him…

He wears this one pair of crocs everyday, and when they begin to look warn, he spray paints them…

Soft boiled eggs and grits come out everyday at ten, “gonna smell like farts in here,” he says. And by noon hes typically already at home sitting in his boxers drinking a hurricane beer, though the boss thinks hes “on install”

Hes happy though, loves his life, his wife, and his three kids. Because of this I can’t complain, even though i’m a germ-a-phobe.

Ode to the horrible co-workers, that we are honored to work with…

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